Women CANNOT do it all

Neither can men, for that matter, but no one expects them to.  

Recently I was perusing Ms. JD (a website for female lawyers), and a few postings got me to thinking.  First, there was a seven part series by Peg, on the 7 Truths that Every Working Woman Should Know Before Having Children.  She's a junior associate at a big law firm with two small children.  The gist of her advice falls under the category of: if you have children, you're on your own.  Your firm won't be particularly helpful.  You can't rely on your family.  You can't even expect your husband to help you at all.  Oh, and by the way, your body will most likely fail you as well.  There are many similar posts on the website, and they all have a familiar theme: it's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to devote the necessary time to be both a great lawyer and a great mother.  After reading all of this, I came to another post.  In it, a 30 year old woman wanted advice regarding whether she's too old to go to law school - especially considering that she wants to have children in a few years.  EVERYONE starts gushing about how it's not too late to go to law school and that she should do it, etc. etc. 

Is that really good advice?  I found it somewhat shocking that after all the kvetching about work/family balance, everyone would be so positive about the prospect of starting a family while trying to make a start in the legal profession.  The way I see it: (1) It doesn't make any monetary sense [in my law school's orientation we were told that a lawyer doesn't make back the money (s)he spent on law school through increased earnings until after 30 years of work];  (2) Lawyers work some of the longest hours of any profession [which obviously is a huge negative if you want to start having small children]; and (3) The profession of the law is still heavily male dominated and many firms will not make concessions for working mothers. 

Am I saying that women - especially those who want to be mothers - should not go into the legal profession?  Of course not.  I recently graduated from law school, and I fully intend on having children in three years.  What I am saying, however, is that the system will NEVER change until women stop pretending that these real issues don't exist when planning for the future.  I'm tired of the knee-jerk female response to whether a women should clearly overextend herself being: "Go for it!  You can do everything!  Just jump right in!"  

It's not that I don't understand why women react this way: they're so used to arguing against the notion that women are not as capable as men that they forget that women are no more capable.  It's just that this sort of mindset is not helpful.  No man would ever consider being the primary caretaker of an infant child and jumping into a demanding new career at the same time.  If he asked his guy friends if they thought such a move was a good idea they would at the very least counsel him to really think about it before making such a move.  Most likely many of them would actively counsel him against such a plan.  No one would say "Go for it!  That sounds like a fantastic idea!  Wonderful!"  Why should women counsel each other so unwisely?

I can already hear a bunch of angry comments about how women can do anything.  I repeat - I'm not saying we can't - I'm saying we can't do everything.  That simple fact may not be a truth that many people want to hear, but it is a truth nonetheless.  Perhaps if we take it to heart then, unlike Peg, we will demand more from our husbands, our family, and our workplace which would allow us to successfully take on the solemn duty of raising the next generation, and having a fulfilling career that we can be proud of. 

*By the way, if you want to read a great book on this topic, you should read: The Mommy Myth:The Idealization of Motherhood and How it Undermined Women.  It really shaped my thinking in this area.